The Future of Friendships and Fellowship in the cyberspace

“What is the logic for putting a limit of 5000 friends on Facebook?”, I began to wonder when I had to start replacing old friends to accommodate new friends in my maxed out pool of 5000 Facebook friends. I have been through that cycle of replacement several times, while maintaining a pool of 5000. Then one day I wondered,

“What’s the point of having 5000 Facebook friends?” It didn’t take too long for the answer to hit me hard- I don’t have 5000 friends. Calling the people on my Facebook account friends undermines the idea of friendship.

According to American Psychological Association, Friendship is “a voluntary relationship between two or more people that is relatively long-lasting and in which those involved tend to be concerned with meeting the others’ needs and interests as well as satisfying their own desires. Friendships frequently develop through shared experiences in which the people involved learn that their association with one another is mutually gratifying.”

I started scrolling through my list of Facebook friends. I realized that majority of my Facebook friends did not fit the definition of a friend. In fact I could not even put a finger on who many of them were or when and if we have even met.

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing….not healing, not curing….that is a friend who cares.”

Henri Nouwen

I started purging my Facebook friends. Every question I asked allowed me to cut a few hundred, “Do I know this person?”, “Do we care for each other?”, “How meaningful are our shared memories?” “How long have we been friends?” “Can we rely on each other?” The list was down to 230 from 5000 and I realized I did not want to cut the list down any further because I want to stay connected with them. And suddenly I had an epiphany. True friends don’t need to be on Facebook. True friends don’t have to make their presence noticed by clicking “Like” on my posts. Facebook is not a platform for making or keeping friends.

Since it’s very first version Facebook’s primary purpose has been to create a mass obsession to subject oneself to public scrutiny of attractiveness: Hot or Not. We are addicted to show off our assets: power, beauty, intelligence, accomplishments, machismo, with the hope that we would gain recognition as “Hot”. Ironically, most boastful posts begin with “I am humbled to….”

As I cut my list down to 230, I panicked. “Am I making myself vulnerable by cutting my community down?” I searched for the definition of community, “a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.” While it is true that digital connectivity has reduced the barriers of physical distance between people, has it really created a feeling of fellowship? As much as we are able to say “Good morning” to friends and family thousands of miles away and get in touch with long lost acquaintances, though we have access to a larger network of people who can share our knowledge and wisdom with each other, why do we continue to feel isolated and starved of true friendships from behind our screens? My hope is that these questions might lead designers of digital experiences become more mindful of what it means to be human, form true friendships and fellowship.

“Sharing the same meal reaffirms kinship.”

Deng Ming-Dao

These questions make me restless as I help my clients design technology enabled experiences. My sense of restlessness was aggravated recently when I spoke to my childhood friend from India. We grew up together in a large apartment complex in Mumbai. We have fond memories of playing together in the courtyard between all the buildings. I asked him,”How has Covid affected our community life? Do you guys still Come down to gossip and play?” What he said shocked me. “The older generation is afraid of Covid and now hardly anyone comes down from our homes.

But the younger generation stopped coming down way before Covid. They are busy with their computers and phones. The courtyard, where we grew up playing has now become a parking lot. Real play is lost; friendships have changed and community feeling is under duress.